It all comes full circle. I understand FULLY what it means to be faithful in every aspect of my life.
Now I understand the idea that if you believe in the gospel before an unfortunate event happens (such as divorce), why not always? My explanation was there, I tried something which didn't work, so I thought, now let's try something different. But that's just it, the gospel did work, just not in the way I had expected it to. I had expectations. Geez, could I be setting myself up for heartbreak any better? Conan said, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.” I forgot about that. I forgot that life isn't fair. One of my friends told me, "That's the true test. To see if you can fight off the adversary when you are most vulnerable." I wanted to stay strong but I wanted to give that life up to see if there was something better. It's easy to beat myself up and say, what were you thinking? That can be a scary thing to anyone wanting to be with me in the future- she gave up once, she can give up everything again. I guess that's true with anyone... we never truly know. That's why I rely on the Lord for guidance on where to go and help in seeking my answers. I will keep progressing in a direction that I see is the best path and if I feel it is wrong, then I will stop and seek a different way with Heavenly Father's help.
I am gaining a new perspective now with a friend who is getting divorced. He is not going to church anymore and he doesn't know if he believes in the gospel. My thought is, you believed it before your divorce, why not now? Why do we let hard circumstances shake us?
I am like a Butterfly. I am using my experiences to shape me into something beautiful. Ever think about how much pain a Caterpillar goes through in order to become a Butterfly? Some say it is painless because the Caterpillar realizes the beautiful creature it is becoming and focuses on the beauty of the change itself. It is a transformation of ungainly to glorious.
Adam once asked me what animal I thought he and I both would best embody. I didn't tell him then because I wanted to make sure I had it right, but this was the first animal that came to my mind. The Octopus is a highly intelligent and problem solving invertebrate. "They have numerous strategies for defending themselves against predators, including the expulsion of ink, the use of camouflage and deimatic displays, their ability to jet quickly through the water, and their ability to hide...An octopus's main (primary) defense is to hide, either not to be seen at all, or not to be detected as an octopus." I could always see Adam for who he truly was. We never kept ourselves hidden and I feel that's where a lot of our honesty came from- it felt comfortable to be honest with my best friend.
"Octopuses have keen eyesight." Adam has great perspective. He is a person who can filter through every bit of information and come to the best conclusion. That must be part of his amazing problem solving skills as well. His eternal perspective transcends what I have seen from ordinary people.
Adam is constant. "Their main means of slow travel is crawling, with some swimming. Jet propulsion is their fastest means of locomotion." Adam is continually progressing through life at a steady pace. He receives bursts of growth especially during his spiritual awakenings. These are the times when I have felt my love grow for him the most.
Adam's main love language is touch and it is said that Octopuses have an excellent sense of touch. Never before Adam have I wanted to hold onto someone as much as him and did I feel comfortable enough in doing so. He would never let me go (his suction cups) and I loved every time we touched. Being with Adam made me happy. I hope to meet in that place with him again. I realize that I am awesome at doing damage which seems tricky to fix. I know anything can be solved with the right amount of time, forgiveness and blessing from God. Some processes cannot be rushed.
Have you ever sat in the sun and soaked in the rays? That's how I felt with Adam. I never felt drained or displeased. He was the constant light in my life. I didn't want this to turn into a sappy post about how much I love Adam, but if anything, you can see how much he has done for me and how much I feel like he is a very real part of my life even in his physical absence (which is ripping my soul apart).
I can do hard things. Like the Catepillar, I am going through my metamorphosis and I will emerge something greater than we all thought possible- a beautiful Butterfly.
No comments:
Post a Comment