Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Accountable
My friend told me I say the word accountable a lot. I believe him. It's because there is one who holds me accountable in ways others don't. There is one who pushes me gently to become the woman I want, the woman God intends for me to become. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice ever because I know with great sacrifice comes great blessings. I feel safe with him. I have never expressed love so fully until him.
Sweet November
Heavy is the burden I carry to not become discouraged because I see a light shining brighter than mine. This is my time to look up and open wide because I have perseverance. My passion to create something beyond myself echos my own soul. And ultimately my passion to create means that I am creating a better me in this process. Down the rabbit hole.
I feel inadequate today. I know why, it's irrational but understandable. I have never met this girl. She looks like me and I look like her. She haunts me. We share similarities- places traveled, ancestry roots and ideas we love. But ways I am lacking, I feel she has already excelled. Knowing her (and me) she doesn't even feel that she is a supreme example of how one can become something so close to perfection. She is beautiful. I don't worry about her. She is me.
I feel inadequate today. I know why, it's irrational but understandable. I have never met this girl. She looks like me and I look like her. She haunts me. We share similarities- places traveled, ancestry roots and ideas we love. But ways I am lacking, I feel she has already excelled. Knowing her (and me) she doesn't even feel that she is a supreme example of how one can become something so close to perfection. She is beautiful. I don't worry about her. She is me.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Removing Adam
My favorite band is Lifehouse. Their lyrics echo a sentiment not of perfect love, but of making love the best you can. We are all powerful creators.
Right now, my life is absent of Adam. If I were in another postion other than my own, I would have a hard time understanding this without all of the facts. Before you make judgements because you feel you have adequate information, know that you most likely do not. Know this, if you trust me or Adam, we are making the best possible decision for us!
I am completely in love with Adam. I have never met a person so whole. He is my best friend and my deepest love. My heart aches not to be able to share my life with him right now. But the mantra that gets me through is, I can do hard things and I believe that. I know Adam is my future husband. I know that in order for me to be a better wife to him, I need to make good use of my time now to learn all that I can. I am going to work hard on me, for me because I deserve the best! I am using this separation as a time to focus my attention on what is truly important to me- going to the Temple! I lost sight of this while I was dating Adam and I am sorry for this! No regrets, because I am going there soon.
While Adam and I are apart, I will not focus on anything negative. I am committing to let my light shine and allow others the safe space to be themselves as well. I am an amazing creator! I can do anything I want because I have been given agency. But always, I will do what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I know with 100% surety, that God is my Father and he loves me very much as his divine daughter. He has big plans for me, so I need to work hard now so I can be ready when the call goes out. I trust him fully because he knows what will make me happy now and later on into the eternities. I am so glad I have taken the time to develop my personal relationship with him. This gospel is the life I want to live, because being LDS in not just a Sunday 3 hour job. Being LDS is more a state of mind and a way of living every day. Reading my scriptures daily is something I look forward to because the pages are filled with wisdom beyond me. I love learning new things this way. Praying on my knees is a priviledge because I have knees to kneel on and I have arms to fold and a head to bow. I am so grateful for my functioning body God has given me; I won't abuse it. I live this way because making good choices in line with God's will gives me the freedom to be happy. Obedience and sacrifice bring great blessings. This is what I believe. No one can change my course. I, along with Heavenly Father, decide my path. And I choose him.
"Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Patience
It is hard to have patience but in the end and most times, it pays off. Patience cultivates attributes which under normal circumstances might not have the same flourish otherwise. I believe in becoming the best version of myself. I am fortunate because I don't have to progress alone. I have built a beautiful support system of people who love me. I love knowing that despite my faults, I still deserve and receive love. Ah, sounds a little cliche to me but that's the romantic, optimistic side of me.
Currently I am working on developing more patience in my life. I am a person who is driven to achieve more than what I have, however, I have realized that acknowledging the time and experiences I have to enjoy now is an important aspect to my learning. I am still young so I have a lot of time to continue learning. My life is about my journey full of adventures. I struggle with determining the best path for me, but I know with my strength, optimism and belief in my Heavenly Father, I can achieve anything because I am here for great things.
Currently I am working on developing more patience in my life. I am a person who is driven to achieve more than what I have, however, I have realized that acknowledging the time and experiences I have to enjoy now is an important aspect to my learning. I am still young so I have a lot of time to continue learning. My life is about my journey full of adventures. I struggle with determining the best path for me, but I know with my strength, optimism and belief in my Heavenly Father, I can achieve anything because I am here for great things.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sacrifice
This week I have learned a lot about sacrifice. What it means to have and what it means to go without. What it's like to help someone in need, but in return, what it's like to walk in the rain. What it's like to wait until marriage for sex. What it's like to go without food because you have no money and on a seperate occasion because you are on a diet. In the end, I want my life choices to show the experiences I had were not wasted.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
10 Things
Some things you may or may not know about me!
1) I was a bit of tomboy growing up. I'd play street hockey with the boys and I wore hideous clothing. I had no idea what fashion was even when I was in middle school! I wore boys boxer shorts as regular shorts!
2) If I knew how to, I would love to work on an old car. I don't care what kind of car, just as long as the frame has clean design lines, I am alright with any model.
3) Secretly I am a good cook. Deep, deep down. If I had an amazing kitchen with fresh ingredients stocked in my fridge and pantry, I would go to town. It's the artist inside of me, I love to create! I have a secret recipe for Strawberry shakes and French Toast. I am also great at baking pies- just ask my Mom.
4) I love the idea of keeping family traditions. My family has some great traditions such as Christmas stockings, Christmas ornaments, Easter baskets, a costume box, and when I was in school, special colored lunches which corresponded to the Holiday- such as Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day. I will carry these on.
5) My room has always been messy. One day I will be super organized since that's what I like- a simple, modern home. But for now, I am taking baby steps... IKEA I love you.
6) One of my favorite websites for years has been m-w.com. I love playing their game of the day and challenging myself with new words.
7) I bite my lower lip when I am nervous or uncomfortable. Adam also says I get this distinct laugh, almost like it is faked or forced.
8) One of my best and worst qualities is that I am sensitive. Before, I allowed myself to be easily offended, but it is definitely something I have learned to overcome and something that I am consciously aware of. On a more positive side, it's a blessing because I am innately considerate of others. I seek to help people feel comfortable and I want them to have their needs and wants.
9) It's like a game for me to look good. I love fashion and I love to creat something new on my body. Fashion is an art project for me. Sometimes it's hard to find a balance between fashion and comfort but that is the fun in the game.
10) One of my most life changing experiences I had was studying for a month in Meso America. Seeing the way the world works in those countries was life defining for me. I found myself there. I remember a specific moment when we were in the airport coming home. I literally felt optimism permeate my soul and I was never the same. Since that time, optimism has been one of my best friends.
1) I was a bit of tomboy growing up. I'd play street hockey with the boys and I wore hideous clothing. I had no idea what fashion was even when I was in middle school! I wore boys boxer shorts as regular shorts!
2) If I knew how to, I would love to work on an old car. I don't care what kind of car, just as long as the frame has clean design lines, I am alright with any model.
3) Secretly I am a good cook. Deep, deep down. If I had an amazing kitchen with fresh ingredients stocked in my fridge and pantry, I would go to town. It's the artist inside of me, I love to create! I have a secret recipe for Strawberry shakes and French Toast. I am also great at baking pies- just ask my Mom.
4) I love the idea of keeping family traditions. My family has some great traditions such as Christmas stockings, Christmas ornaments, Easter baskets, a costume box, and when I was in school, special colored lunches which corresponded to the Holiday- such as Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day. I will carry these on.
5) My room has always been messy. One day I will be super organized since that's what I like- a simple, modern home. But for now, I am taking baby steps... IKEA I love you.
6) One of my favorite websites for years has been m-w.com. I love playing their game of the day and challenging myself with new words.
7) I bite my lower lip when I am nervous or uncomfortable. Adam also says I get this distinct laugh, almost like it is faked or forced.
8) One of my best and worst qualities is that I am sensitive. Before, I allowed myself to be easily offended, but it is definitely something I have learned to overcome and something that I am consciously aware of. On a more positive side, it's a blessing because I am innately considerate of others. I seek to help people feel comfortable and I want them to have their needs and wants.
9) It's like a game for me to look good. I love fashion and I love to creat something new on my body. Fashion is an art project for me. Sometimes it's hard to find a balance between fashion and comfort but that is the fun in the game.
10) One of my most life changing experiences I had was studying for a month in Meso America. Seeing the way the world works in those countries was life defining for me. I found myself there. I remember a specific moment when we were in the airport coming home. I literally felt optimism permeate my soul and I was never the same. Since that time, optimism has been one of my best friends.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Merry Happy
"You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however." Richard Bach
Oh Saturday, our Young Single Adult wards had a farewell party. We went to Adam's in the morning, and mine later that night. As we were leaving my ward's party, my Bishop commented that he has never seen me happier than in that moment as he turned to Adam. It's true, Adam is the light of my life. We spend a lot of time together, so when we are apart, I can tell something is different. It's good that we are both self sufficient, but when we are together, I feel more harmony and more peace in my life. I don't worry when I am with Adam. He never allows me to be sad, something I appreciate very much. I can take anything to Adam and if he cannot understand, he will seek a path where he can come to an understanding.
So yes, I am happy. My life is actually really good, I have it pretty easy. Considering the 180 degree turn my life has taken, it's been a full 360 in the past few years. I feel renewed and back on track! Would you like to know one of my secrets? Paying it forward. I kinda sorta dislike that phrase, but it's effective. In other words, helping others. I find my problems dissolve and resolutions are found faster when I forget myself by helping others. This is not to say shirk your duties, it's to say, there is beauty in being selfless.
Last week, I walked from my work to meet up with Adam at his work (we work 3 blocks away from each other). Feeling like I should walk a very particular way to his office, I cut through a parking lot. I reached the top of the stairs just in time to see an elderly woman with one crutch attempting to climb the steps. Oh, this and she had a briefcase, a purse and a box in her arms. How was she carrying all of that? I looked at her and asked, "Do you need any help?" I could see she was thinking about whether or not I would grab her purse and run. She decided I was ok and smiled and said, "Why yes, I do think I need some help." I have said this before, but whenever I do something nice for someone else like this, I really can feel the pure love of Christ wash over me and it nearly brings me to tears. It only took me an extra 3 minutes to help this sweet woman to her car and I can't imagine how much time and energy I must have saved her. She sprained her ankle and I was reminded of when I sprained mine last December. I was miserable and I needed a lot of help in the beginning. I am glad I was there to help her.
I know these situations are preparing me for great things. I know blessings are there for me, but I must put in the effort in order to make my dreams come true. And they are definitely coming true.
Do you see me?
http://www.utahphotobooth.com/april30
Oh Saturday, our Young Single Adult wards had a farewell party. We went to Adam's in the morning, and mine later that night. As we were leaving my ward's party, my Bishop commented that he has never seen me happier than in that moment as he turned to Adam. It's true, Adam is the light of my life. We spend a lot of time together, so when we are apart, I can tell something is different. It's good that we are both self sufficient, but when we are together, I feel more harmony and more peace in my life. I don't worry when I am with Adam. He never allows me to be sad, something I appreciate very much. I can take anything to Adam and if he cannot understand, he will seek a path where he can come to an understanding.
So yes, I am happy. My life is actually really good, I have it pretty easy. Considering the 180 degree turn my life has taken, it's been a full 360 in the past few years. I feel renewed and back on track! Would you like to know one of my secrets? Paying it forward. I kinda sorta dislike that phrase, but it's effective. In other words, helping others. I find my problems dissolve and resolutions are found faster when I forget myself by helping others. This is not to say shirk your duties, it's to say, there is beauty in being selfless.
Last week, I walked from my work to meet up with Adam at his work (we work 3 blocks away from each other). Feeling like I should walk a very particular way to his office, I cut through a parking lot. I reached the top of the stairs just in time to see an elderly woman with one crutch attempting to climb the steps. Oh, this and she had a briefcase, a purse and a box in her arms. How was she carrying all of that? I looked at her and asked, "Do you need any help?" I could see she was thinking about whether or not I would grab her purse and run. She decided I was ok and smiled and said, "Why yes, I do think I need some help." I have said this before, but whenever I do something nice for someone else like this, I really can feel the pure love of Christ wash over me and it nearly brings me to tears. It only took me an extra 3 minutes to help this sweet woman to her car and I can't imagine how much time and energy I must have saved her. She sprained her ankle and I was reminded of when I sprained mine last December. I was miserable and I needed a lot of help in the beginning. I am glad I was there to help her.
I know these situations are preparing me for great things. I know blessings are there for me, but I must put in the effort in order to make my dreams come true. And they are definitely coming true.
Do you see me?
http://www.utahphotobooth.com/april30
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)