After talking to these girls for over an hour, I couldn't help but feel pleased with myself. I felt like I offered genuine and helpful insights. But more so than anything else, I felt beautiful and confident. That's how I have been feeling non stop lately and it's because of three things: 1) People have been complimenting me more, 2) I have been listening to those compliments more and 3) I believed I was beautiful and confident before I heard those words! Truly I have been embracing my own self more. It really doesn't matter what validation I get from others, it only matters what I think about myself (unless your name is Hannah then I care deeply what you say, jk!). To sum up our conversation, I was surprised by the lack of confidence from these girls... and I was surprised I took a chance on them by inserting myself into their lives (at their request by invitation of course!).
Let me tell you a little story...
My friend Alex invited me to Kayla's porch BBQ on Saturday via Facebook event invite (and you must say BBQ as B, B, Q because that's the way Adam says it and it's too cute). Kayla, Alex and I are all in the same ward together. Kayla has posted on the event wall, "Can anyone bring chips or a salad or something? Please respond so we know how much food we will need for everyone." I like to be helpful so I wrote on the wall, "I can bring chips!" Later Kayla wrote back, "Hon, I don't even know you ;)" Insert drama here!! jk But I really wanted to flip, I must admit. Instead, I thought about the logical, most appropriate way to respond... What is really going on here Amy? I didn't want to make anyone like Kayla feel bad, but she made me feel like poop! We've met several times, are in the same ward and share the same friends... and don't call me HUN! Instead I really took the time to think about her perspective. 12 minutes later I posted, "I am coming to your party with a bag of chips and we will settle this- let's get to know each other!" I took the road less traveled. It's there one where you think the best about another person. It's the one where you love people despite their faults because you know that deep down everyone is good and deep down everyone is struggling and fighting a hard battle. I say deep down because there is a lot of skin and muscle that gets in the way of your heart...
Now, fast forward to Sunday night girl night... and I had the chance to meet Kayla and talk intimately with her and her/our friends. She is not a mean person, only insecure. She is beautiful and powerful but she doesn't believe it yet. I am confident she will. I am grateful I have been reading this Assertiveness Workbook. I am in Chapter 3 now and feel like my whole world is changing. I care less about what other people think and more about how I view myself. I care about others but not at the expense of my own sanity and self.
I have been finding more peace in poetry. I love writing and reading good poems! This is from the movie "A River Runs Through It":
“As the moon lingers a moment over the bitterroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly; not to the music, but something else; some place else; a place remembered; a field of grass where no one seemed to have been; except a deer; and the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you, dancing in my awkward arms.”
I used to lie in bed at night and pull on the chord of my blinds just enough so the moon would beam visibly to me. Sometimes I would look at it like a target and pray to my Heavenly Father somehow hoping those prayers would get to him sooner. Nature has always played a vital role in my life since that young age and I lost that for a while in my adult years. That's one of the reasons I chose to go to BYU-Idaho, because the landscape cradling the school was so beautiful. Not many people know that I was in awe of that place long before I attended school there and that was a determining reason why I attended. I think I should expand upon this thought in a later post... but know that nature touches my soul in a way nothing else can. I want to imagine dancing in the trees with the man I love...
http://www.spiegel.de/fotostrecke/fotostrecke-68958-5.html http://cultureandlife.co.uk/2011/06/18/russias-privileged-little-adults-by-anna-skladmann/
Photographer Anna Skladmann explores the world of the Russian rich in her photo series Little Adults. The results are haunting to me. She met with a little boy in Moscow in 2010. "Antoshka only agreed to do the shoot if we could do it with the girl he had a crush on. They met in school and acted in the same school play. For the shoot, he put on the costume he wore during the play. It was uncomfortably small, and even he didn’t like it too much himself … No matter how old or young you are, there are things you do for love."
I wonder how far I would go for love? Is that even appropriate to say I would do anything? Would I move to Nebraska, the state which I loathe the most? Yes, I believe I would.
http://dearphotograph.com/page/3
This photo is from the website above with the caption:
Dear Photograph,
Thank you for everything we had.
This website evokes emotion in me much like nature does. It allows me to feel the pure love of Christ. Silly how a website can conjure that up inside of me. This photo is sweet and made me think of Adam. Adam, I am grateful for everything we had. Now you are gone from me and I am gone from you, but we had the most beautiful times together. I would never erase those and I hope to make more with you. I hope to sit on this bench with you and laugh until I cry. I hope to dance barefoot in the trees with you. I hope this is not the end. I hope.
"Everything We Had" by The Academy Is...
You were the only face I'd ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.
It was the only place I'd ever known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there.
Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.
I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had, everything we had.
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had...
I'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
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