I have made the comment frequently that it is better to leave a party earlier rather than later before it dies. I've been thinking about this for weeks but specifically I was thinking about about this last Thursday before I saw Adam. Then after running into him by accident, it confirmed to me of what I needed to do. He doesn't want to induldge in any part of me and him anymore and neither do I. I believe I have needed these past three weeks to write about him so I could see for myself how important it is to my progression to move on. I meant every word I have written on this blog. Why it has taken me some time to get over Adam is not because he was my crutch but because I was in love. It was selfish on my part really, not wanting to let go and holding onto everything good I ever had with Adam. I don't think it's wrong to remember the good that was created by us. Thank you for allowing me some indulgence.
I think it's always better to end positively and that's how I intend to end my journey with Adam. This is not the end, it's just goodbye for me and Adam for now. It's not that I don't care about him still, but it's time for me to move on.
So if you are still interested in keeping up with me, check out my new blog I will be launching soon:
debutantepink.blogspot.com
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Someone
The words bounce through my head which sits like a vast but empty cavern. The words are trapped much like Cindy. "Be prepared, she is not the same."
I am scared to walk into a familiar room with an unfamiliar person. I feel her spirit slipping away. She is strong, but her body is weak. The light is draining from her and I wish I could bottle up just one drop of that energy.
Most of my heartache in life has been self induced. This is not one of those times. This is one of those times I shake my head with frustration and say, "Why God?" The air I breathe is thick and hard to filter through. I breathe deeper and with more purpose. I have a working body, she does not.
I cannot walk into that room and shed a tear, I must be brave like her. The sadness of this situation is something I have tried to avoid but I cannot any longer. Someone has lit a match in front of my face and they are about to throw it onto the fuel. I wish I knew who that someone was so that I could beat him up. It's easier to be mad at a someone rather than an unknown. She knows this someone too well. His name is Cancer and he has been her companion for too long.
For now, these are the images I wish to see in my head.
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
- All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter by J. R. R. Tolkien
I am scared to walk into a familiar room with an unfamiliar person. I feel her spirit slipping away. She is strong, but her body is weak. The light is draining from her and I wish I could bottle up just one drop of that energy.
Most of my heartache in life has been self induced. This is not one of those times. This is one of those times I shake my head with frustration and say, "Why God?" The air I breathe is thick and hard to filter through. I breathe deeper and with more purpose. I have a working body, she does not.
I cannot walk into that room and shed a tear, I must be brave like her. The sadness of this situation is something I have tried to avoid but I cannot any longer. Someone has lit a match in front of my face and they are about to throw it onto the fuel. I wish I knew who that someone was so that I could beat him up. It's easier to be mad at a someone rather than an unknown. She knows this someone too well. His name is Cancer and he has been her companion for too long.
For now, these are the images I wish to see in my head.
Bear Lake. It was like my Terra from "Gone with the Wind". I will always hold onto my summer memories from Bear Lake with the people I loved.
All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
- All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter by J. R. R. Tolkien
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Amour
A girls night provoked me to speak my mind about love. I told the girls yes, if you feel like true love is in Nebraska, maybe you should consider moving. As for me, I would risk a lot for love. This has been a blessing and one of my greatest downfalls.
After talking to these girls for over an hour, I couldn't help but feel pleased with myself. I felt like I offered genuine and helpful insights. But more so than anything else, I felt beautiful and confident. That's how I have been feeling non stop lately and it's because of three things: 1) People have been complimenting me more, 2) I have been listening to those compliments more and 3) I believed I was beautiful and confident before I heard those words! Truly I have been embracing my own self more. It really doesn't matter what validation I get from others, it only matters what I think about myself (unless your name is Hannah then I care deeply what you say, jk!). To sum up our conversation, I was surprised by the lack of confidence from these girls... and I was surprised I took a chance on them by inserting myself into their lives (at their request by invitation of course!).
Let me tell you a little story...
My friend Alex invited me to Kayla's porch BBQ on Saturday via Facebook event invite (and you must say BBQ as B, B, Q because that's the way Adam says it and it's too cute). Kayla, Alex and I are all in the same ward together. Kayla has posted on the event wall, "Can anyone bring chips or a salad or something? Please respond so we know how much food we will need for everyone." I like to be helpful so I wrote on the wall, "I can bring chips!" Later Kayla wrote back, "Hon, I don't even know you ;)" Insert drama here!! jk But I really wanted to flip, I must admit. Instead, I thought about the logical, most appropriate way to respond... What is really going on here Amy? I didn't want to make anyone like Kayla feel bad, but she made me feel like poop! We've met several times, are in the same ward and share the same friends... and don't call me HUN! Instead I really took the time to think about her perspective. 12 minutes later I posted, "I am coming to your party with a bag of chips and we will settle this- let's get to know each other!" I took the road less traveled. It's there one where you think the best about another person. It's the one where you love people despite their faults because you know that deep down everyone is good and deep down everyone is struggling and fighting a hard battle. I say deep down because there is a lot of skin and muscle that gets in the way of your heart...
Now, fast forward to Sunday night girl night... and I had the chance to meet Kayla and talk intimately with her and her/our friends. She is not a mean person, only insecure. She is beautiful and powerful but she doesn't believe it yet. I am confident she will. I am grateful I have been reading this Assertiveness Workbook. I am in Chapter 3 now and feel like my whole world is changing. I care less about what other people think and more about how I view myself. I care about others but not at the expense of my own sanity and self.
I have been finding more peace in poetry. I love writing and reading good poems! This is from the movie "A River Runs Through It":
“As the moon lingers a moment over the bitterroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly; not to the music, but something else; some place else; a place remembered; a field of grass where no one seemed to have been; except a deer; and the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you, dancing in my awkward arms.”
I used to lie in bed at night and pull on the chord of my blinds just enough so the moon would beam visibly to me. Sometimes I would look at it like a target and pray to my Heavenly Father somehow hoping those prayers would get to him sooner. Nature has always played a vital role in my life since that young age and I lost that for a while in my adult years. That's one of the reasons I chose to go to BYU-Idaho, because the landscape cradling the school was so beautiful. Not many people know that I was in awe of that place long before I attended school there and that was a determining reason why I attended. I think I should expand upon this thought in a later post... but know that nature touches my soul in a way nothing else can. I want to imagine dancing in the trees with the man I love...
After talking to these girls for over an hour, I couldn't help but feel pleased with myself. I felt like I offered genuine and helpful insights. But more so than anything else, I felt beautiful and confident. That's how I have been feeling non stop lately and it's because of three things: 1) People have been complimenting me more, 2) I have been listening to those compliments more and 3) I believed I was beautiful and confident before I heard those words! Truly I have been embracing my own self more. It really doesn't matter what validation I get from others, it only matters what I think about myself (unless your name is Hannah then I care deeply what you say, jk!). To sum up our conversation, I was surprised by the lack of confidence from these girls... and I was surprised I took a chance on them by inserting myself into their lives (at their request by invitation of course!).
Let me tell you a little story...
My friend Alex invited me to Kayla's porch BBQ on Saturday via Facebook event invite (and you must say BBQ as B, B, Q because that's the way Adam says it and it's too cute). Kayla, Alex and I are all in the same ward together. Kayla has posted on the event wall, "Can anyone bring chips or a salad or something? Please respond so we know how much food we will need for everyone." I like to be helpful so I wrote on the wall, "I can bring chips!" Later Kayla wrote back, "Hon, I don't even know you ;)" Insert drama here!! jk But I really wanted to flip, I must admit. Instead, I thought about the logical, most appropriate way to respond... What is really going on here Amy? I didn't want to make anyone like Kayla feel bad, but she made me feel like poop! We've met several times, are in the same ward and share the same friends... and don't call me HUN! Instead I really took the time to think about her perspective. 12 minutes later I posted, "I am coming to your party with a bag of chips and we will settle this- let's get to know each other!" I took the road less traveled. It's there one where you think the best about another person. It's the one where you love people despite their faults because you know that deep down everyone is good and deep down everyone is struggling and fighting a hard battle. I say deep down because there is a lot of skin and muscle that gets in the way of your heart...
Now, fast forward to Sunday night girl night... and I had the chance to meet Kayla and talk intimately with her and her/our friends. She is not a mean person, only insecure. She is beautiful and powerful but she doesn't believe it yet. I am confident she will. I am grateful I have been reading this Assertiveness Workbook. I am in Chapter 3 now and feel like my whole world is changing. I care less about what other people think and more about how I view myself. I care about others but not at the expense of my own sanity and self.
I have been finding more peace in poetry. I love writing and reading good poems! This is from the movie "A River Runs Through It":
“As the moon lingers a moment over the bitterroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly; not to the music, but something else; some place else; a place remembered; a field of grass where no one seemed to have been; except a deer; and the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you, dancing in my awkward arms.”
I used to lie in bed at night and pull on the chord of my blinds just enough so the moon would beam visibly to me. Sometimes I would look at it like a target and pray to my Heavenly Father somehow hoping those prayers would get to him sooner. Nature has always played a vital role in my life since that young age and I lost that for a while in my adult years. That's one of the reasons I chose to go to BYU-Idaho, because the landscape cradling the school was so beautiful. Not many people know that I was in awe of that place long before I attended school there and that was a determining reason why I attended. I think I should expand upon this thought in a later post... but know that nature touches my soul in a way nothing else can. I want to imagine dancing in the trees with the man I love...
http://www.spiegel.de/fotostrecke/fotostrecke-68958-5.html http://cultureandlife.co.uk/2011/06/18/russias-privileged-little-adults-by-anna-skladmann/
Photographer Anna Skladmann explores the world of the Russian rich in her photo series Little Adults. The results are haunting to me. She met with a little boy in Moscow in 2010. "Antoshka only agreed to do the shoot if we could do it with the girl he had a crush on. They met in school and acted in the same school play. For the shoot, he put on the costume he wore during the play. It was uncomfortably small, and even he didn’t like it too much himself … No matter how old or young you are, there are things you do for love."
I wonder how far I would go for love? Is that even appropriate to say I would do anything? Would I move to Nebraska, the state which I loathe the most? Yes, I believe I would.
http://dearphotograph.com/page/3
This photo is from the website above with the caption:
Dear Photograph,
Thank you for everything we had.
This website evokes emotion in me much like nature does. It allows me to feel the pure love of Christ. Silly how a website can conjure that up inside of me. This photo is sweet and made me think of Adam. Adam, I am grateful for everything we had. Now you are gone from me and I am gone from you, but we had the most beautiful times together. I would never erase those and I hope to make more with you. I hope to sit on this bench with you and laugh until I cry. I hope to dance barefoot in the trees with you. I hope this is not the end. I hope.
"Everything We Had" by The Academy Is...
You were the only face I'd ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.
It was the only place I'd ever known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there.
Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.
I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.
Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had, everything we had.
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had...
I'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
You Are My Only Escape
I love Salt Lake City. I remember being 14 and taking a carriage ride through Memory Grove Park. The air was cold but intriguing to me. I felt grown up taking this ride but scared to be in a place unfamiliar to me. I find it interesting how I have come back to my roots here in Salt Lake City. The city is now very familiar to me because of those young experiences I had! I know this is the place I am supposed to be. I have a lot to accomplish but I am confident I can do it all!
Now I have the unique opportunity to experience this park on a biweekly basis. I go running every Tuesday and Thursday at 5:45 am with a group of inspiring women. Not only do they push me to run harder, but they are great examples of how Daughters of God should act Spiritually. They have become great friends to me which is exciting because I have always craved relationships with uplifting women- something of which has been hard for me to find throughout my life.
This is also a big reason why I felt comfortable with Adam, because he comes from an equally amazing family. I miss my talks with his Mom in their kitchen. Those times spent talking with Vickie were never little or silly to me, she is so wise and I trust her intentions. I looked forward to hugs from Rachel and I fed off of her spunky spirit. Madeline is the soft one who is fun, kind and who pushes herself to do better in sports. So jealous of her tan! ;) And Liz, who is a beautiful woman and young mother. How does she have like 5 callings, a husband, house and 2 kids? She never ceases to amaze me with her quiet strength. And last, but not least for sure, is Hannah. Honestly her approval means a lot to me which is quite silly considering she is only 17 and has a lot of life to experience. I think I want her approval because she is honest and completely fearless- something I am not just yet. I admire her. She can walk out of the house without any makeup and KNOW she is beautiful because she is! They were all so kind to me and I believe I will never find a better future family- in fact I refuse to. I looked forward to spending time with his family each time we made plans to. Sorry for this tangent... What I was trying to say was that I seek sincere relationships. I am extremely grateful when I find them like I did with Adam's family.
Mostly I find my biggest running competitor is myself. I know that I can do anything with this healthy body which God has given to me. I honor him by taking care of it. Every time I run my motivators are the same- Heavenly Father, Adam, and myself. Nothing else comes into my mind during this peaceful but beautiful struggle inside. Outside when I look around, I feel a wave like sensation of the Spirit hitting me, testifying of the beautiful things which God has created for me. I drink in the beauty of the Earth and it fills me. I have legs which carry me to my destination, a destination I never thought possible before. But that is what I am capable of- carrying myself to many destinations which I never thought possible. It is made possible first because of the belief. Second, I have people who believe in me. Third, I will not let God or myself down because I know I am capable of much growth.
Confidence has been an element which I have let take hold of me and something I have been growing upon. I am in a church co-ed softball league. Last night I practiced my swing and didn't miss the ball once (with good throws from the pitcher)! In reflection, yes I developed a better, more precise swing but the one thing that I held on to was confidence. I knew I could hit the ball, so I did!
Much like my runs, I have confidence I can make it to my destination safely, so I do. But I am not concerned much about my destination or when I get there. I enjoy my time spent feeling my feet hit the pavement beneath me, because I have feet. I have eyes which work properly without help from glasses or contacts so that I may see the beautiful greenery around me and the tall Capital building which awaits me on the downhill. I have ears so that I can hear the singing creek as it steadily races against me. I am proud of who I am, what I am experiencing and who I am becoming because of those experiences. I wouldn't change anything except having Adam with me through all of this (if that were possible but it's not).
I run. I run for a lot of reasons. I felt like running would be a good outlet to escape from my problems but in reality it has brought me closer to a lot of things, good and bad. I am learning how to sort through my conflicts and my deepest desires. In fact, running has actually brought me closer to the two people who matter the most to me. So for that I say, thank you Heavenly Father for the run.
Now I have the unique opportunity to experience this park on a biweekly basis. I go running every Tuesday and Thursday at 5:45 am with a group of inspiring women. Not only do they push me to run harder, but they are great examples of how Daughters of God should act Spiritually. They have become great friends to me which is exciting because I have always craved relationships with uplifting women- something of which has been hard for me to find throughout my life.
This is also a big reason why I felt comfortable with Adam, because he comes from an equally amazing family. I miss my talks with his Mom in their kitchen. Those times spent talking with Vickie were never little or silly to me, she is so wise and I trust her intentions. I looked forward to hugs from Rachel and I fed off of her spunky spirit. Madeline is the soft one who is fun, kind and who pushes herself to do better in sports. So jealous of her tan! ;) And Liz, who is a beautiful woman and young mother. How does she have like 5 callings, a husband, house and 2 kids? She never ceases to amaze me with her quiet strength. And last, but not least for sure, is Hannah. Honestly her approval means a lot to me which is quite silly considering she is only 17 and has a lot of life to experience. I think I want her approval because she is honest and completely fearless- something I am not just yet. I admire her. She can walk out of the house without any makeup and KNOW she is beautiful because she is! They were all so kind to me and I believe I will never find a better future family- in fact I refuse to. I looked forward to spending time with his family each time we made plans to. Sorry for this tangent... What I was trying to say was that I seek sincere relationships. I am extremely grateful when I find them like I did with Adam's family.
Mostly I find my biggest running competitor is myself. I know that I can do anything with this healthy body which God has given to me. I honor him by taking care of it. Every time I run my motivators are the same- Heavenly Father, Adam, and myself. Nothing else comes into my mind during this peaceful but beautiful struggle inside. Outside when I look around, I feel a wave like sensation of the Spirit hitting me, testifying of the beautiful things which God has created for me. I drink in the beauty of the Earth and it fills me. I have legs which carry me to my destination, a destination I never thought possible before. But that is what I am capable of- carrying myself to many destinations which I never thought possible. It is made possible first because of the belief. Second, I have people who believe in me. Third, I will not let God or myself down because I know I am capable of much growth.
Confidence has been an element which I have let take hold of me and something I have been growing upon. I am in a church co-ed softball league. Last night I practiced my swing and didn't miss the ball once (with good throws from the pitcher)! In reflection, yes I developed a better, more precise swing but the one thing that I held on to was confidence. I knew I could hit the ball, so I did!
Much like my runs, I have confidence I can make it to my destination safely, so I do. But I am not concerned much about my destination or when I get there. I enjoy my time spent feeling my feet hit the pavement beneath me, because I have feet. I have eyes which work properly without help from glasses or contacts so that I may see the beautiful greenery around me and the tall Capital building which awaits me on the downhill. I have ears so that I can hear the singing creek as it steadily races against me. I am proud of who I am, what I am experiencing and who I am becoming because of those experiences. I wouldn't change anything except having Adam with me through all of this (if that were possible but it's not).
I run. I run for a lot of reasons. I felt like running would be a good outlet to escape from my problems but in reality it has brought me closer to a lot of things, good and bad. I am learning how to sort through my conflicts and my deepest desires. In fact, running has actually brought me closer to the two people who matter the most to me. So for that I say, thank you Heavenly Father for the run.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Two Weeks
Hello two weeks, I've been expecting you. Adam told me about you and I trust him. He said you would come and the pain of losing him would lessen with your arrival. I trust in this process. Fully. Thank you for coming so soon. Every day has felt like a challenging run. But I kept running with anticipation and here I am now, meeting you along the way. Not only have I been excited to see you, but I have also had reservations that I know I should not give in to. It's a fear of letting go. With each passing day, the bond that Adam and I have shared is lessening. I know that in order to move on, I must let go. Fully. I struggle because I know what is right but I don't want to do it in this case. But that is the thing, in order to show myself that I can let go of old behaviors which are not good for me, I must let go of Adam to show myself that I can let go of the hardest thing I have ever given up... everything else will seem small compared to this one giant step. And knowing that I am doing the right thing in this case will help me to do the right thing always.
I introduced my Uncle Mike to the band Civil Twilight and in return, he got me their c.d. (and brought me homemade chocolate cake!) You know how some bands just speak to you? I think seeing them perform last fall helped me to appreciate their music more. They are incredible live. Here is one of their songs that I love. It's so inspiring and comforting to me.
"Next To Me"
You are my only escape
You are the reason that I wait
On the corner of this empty street
Oh, I just can't wait to meet
There's so much a man can do
There's so much a man can say
See, I have done so many things wrong
That you should have saw me away
I've got this second chance, I'm gonna take it
I've got this song and dance, I'm gonna take it
I've got all that I need and I can taste it
I've got you next to me, I don't want to waste it
You are my only embrace
You are the light that lights my face
Any fool would do the same
Oh, to follow in your trace
People come and people go
But I know I should have been replaced
I know it
I've got this second chance, I'm going to take it
I've got this song and dance, I'm going to take it
I've got all that I need and I can taste it
I've got you next to me and I don't want to waste it
I'm gonna take it
All that I can get
I'm gonna take it
It's beautiful, the way you move
The way you take me back
Here she comes, around the bend
She's coming to take me back
Oh, I've got this second chance, I'm going to take it
I've got this song and dance, I'm going to take it
I've got all that I need, I can taste it
I've got you next to me and I don't want to waste it
'Cause you are my only escape
You are the reason that I wait
I introduced my Uncle Mike to the band Civil Twilight and in return, he got me their c.d. (and brought me homemade chocolate cake!) You know how some bands just speak to you? I think seeing them perform last fall helped me to appreciate their music more. They are incredible live. Here is one of their songs that I love. It's so inspiring and comforting to me.
"Next To Me"
You are my only escape
You are the reason that I wait
On the corner of this empty street
Oh, I just can't wait to meet
There's so much a man can do
There's so much a man can say
See, I have done so many things wrong
That you should have saw me away
I've got this second chance, I'm gonna take it
I've got this song and dance, I'm gonna take it
I've got all that I need and I can taste it
I've got you next to me, I don't want to waste it
You are my only embrace
You are the light that lights my face
Any fool would do the same
Oh, to follow in your trace
People come and people go
But I know I should have been replaced
I know it
I've got this second chance, I'm going to take it
I've got this song and dance, I'm going to take it
I've got all that I need and I can taste it
I've got you next to me and I don't want to waste it
I'm gonna take it
All that I can get
I'm gonna take it
It's beautiful, the way you move
The way you take me back
Here she comes, around the bend
She's coming to take me back
Oh, I've got this second chance, I'm going to take it
I've got this song and dance, I'm going to take it
I've got all that I need, I can taste it
I've got you next to me and I don't want to waste it
'Cause you are my only escape
You are the reason that I wait
Monday, July 18, 2011
Foundations
This is a critical time for me. In order for me to be consistently good and doing what God wants me to do, I need to have solid foundations.
I have been meeting and checking in with my Bishop every week and this Sunday was profound. He cried to me of my importance. I have always believed him but something about him saying the same words to me that he has always said, that I am a Daughter of God, and him becoming emotional over it made me more convinced- which I didn't think was possible because it is something I have believed so fully. Knowing I am a Daughter of God is something so precious to me; It has been a big part in forgiving myself.
Since working through my assertiveness book, I have realized that I have been in an extended state of stress. The things that will help me the most in my life are consistent, and soild foundations. For example, did you know creative thinking declines when you are stressed? It's been so hard for me to get back into my art specifically since my divorce. To build stress related resistance, I must exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, watch my caffeine intake and lead a balanced life. These are the physical things that will help me achieve my goals.
My Bishop said he likes the progress I have made with reading my scriptures and praying. Those things are never boring to me- they are essential! He wants me to take my prayers to the next level. He was impressed when I said I have been praying for opportunities to help others. I know that service speaks to my soul like nothing else, and that is one way I can feel the Spirit speak to me. So I pray to be able to serve others and fulfill the Father's will. Bishop also said the scriptures are like a key and unlock one's mind to further understanding. He wants me to experience this and document it and report back. I am excited for this. I know these are the small steps which will set my life on a path which I will never fall away from. Life conflicts are hard, but if I work harder to develop the tools necessary then I will never falter from what I know to be true.
I have been meeting and checking in with my Bishop every week and this Sunday was profound. He cried to me of my importance. I have always believed him but something about him saying the same words to me that he has always said, that I am a Daughter of God, and him becoming emotional over it made me more convinced- which I didn't think was possible because it is something I have believed so fully. Knowing I am a Daughter of God is something so precious to me; It has been a big part in forgiving myself.
Since working through my assertiveness book, I have realized that I have been in an extended state of stress. The things that will help me the most in my life are consistent, and soild foundations. For example, did you know creative thinking declines when you are stressed? It's been so hard for me to get back into my art specifically since my divorce. To build stress related resistance, I must exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, watch my caffeine intake and lead a balanced life. These are the physical things that will help me achieve my goals.
My Bishop said he likes the progress I have made with reading my scriptures and praying. Those things are never boring to me- they are essential! He wants me to take my prayers to the next level. He was impressed when I said I have been praying for opportunities to help others. I know that service speaks to my soul like nothing else, and that is one way I can feel the Spirit speak to me. So I pray to be able to serve others and fulfill the Father's will. Bishop also said the scriptures are like a key and unlock one's mind to further understanding. He wants me to experience this and document it and report back. I am excited for this. I know these are the small steps which will set my life on a path which I will never fall away from. Life conflicts are hard, but if I work harder to develop the tools necessary then I will never falter from what I know to be true.
Endure to the End
I wrote this during church yesterday. I like how it's written so I'll just copy and paste.
Endure to the end.
I used to dislike this phrase. Wasn't that sort of the easy part? Not until recently have I understood and lived it so fully. I know what is right, but now I have to live it. Daily. Always.
It is not a coincidence that Angela is in 1 Nephi and is giving a talk about not being frustrated with the timing of things and to have patience.
Lashing out at God because of our frustrations only brings us sorrow.
We need to be patient with everyone including ourselves.
Pray for patience. Have faith. Seek the Spirit- it is a gift from God.
Endure to the end.
I used to dislike this phrase. Wasn't that sort of the easy part? Not until recently have I understood and lived it so fully. I know what is right, but now I have to live it. Daily. Always.
It is not a coincidence that Angela is in 1 Nephi and is giving a talk about not being frustrated with the timing of things and to have patience.
Lashing out at God because of our frustrations only brings us sorrow.
We need to be patient with everyone including ourselves.
Pray for patience. Have faith. Seek the Spirit- it is a gift from God.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Growing Pains
Today I realized I wasn't the only one entertaining fantasies. And let's be totally honest, the fantasy which ultimately hurts the most is the one involving lost love. Just because you shared the same affinity for a certain band with someone does not mean you cannot grow in music together with someone else. A new love does not diminish what you once had with someone else, but it should be more important to you now! Oh what hypocrites we are.
Rockefeller said,"sometimes in order to live, parts of you must die". It means a certain amount of pain is to be experienced in the process of shedding what is necessary in order to achieve what is best.
Have you read the book "Tuesdays with Morrie"? Here are some lessons learned from it.
Lesson 1) Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.
Lesson 2) Accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it.
Lesson 3) Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others.
Lesson 4) Do not assume that it is too late to get involved.
Lesson 5) In order to live, we must first learn to die.
We spend a lot of our time busying ourselves with things of little importance. When we realize that our time is limited, we develop a sense of urgency and we start reconciling our lives by making changes. I know this to be true for my life. I started having an awakening and was given a new perspective. Consequently my actions are rooted in more important things, the things of God.
"He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 10:39
Christ tells us that we must follow him and surrender everything—our wills, our bodies, and our lives. Our carnal mind is driven by pride and selfish desires. We must live our lives as living sacrifices, which is a reasonable service! I think this cradles the phrase we often hear, God will never ask us to carry a burden which is too hard for us to bear. If we put our security in physical things, then we will lose our spiritual lives.
"Tuesdays with Morrie" concludes with the author expressing his desire to talk with the person he was twenty years earlier. He would tell himself to ignore the lure of advertised values and to pay attention when loved ones spoke, as if it were the last time he might hear them. None of us can undo what we have already done, but as Morrie said, it is never too late to make a difference.
Below is a song that has had a huge impact on me this year dealing with love. Recently, the first line has rushed over me like a fury of waves as I'm laying on the warm, wet beach. Over and over their watery lyrics rush into my ears, trickle between my very fiber and pound into my heart. I know what it's like to feel the pleasure of growing pains. Yes, there is pleasure in pain. It means shedding parts of me which must die in order to save the whole, most valuable part of my self. There is victory in that. I think the courage to endure has now taken effect. How long can I be strong? Through myself and with my own selfish motivations, not long. There is pleasure in pain.
And while my motivation for missing Adam is selfish at times, I do believe it comes from a place of love. Doesn't that sound contradictory? I don't care how it sounds sometimes, I care that it is said (but I am working on both!). I love him and I miss him. Out of the myriad of things I miss, I picked these two. I miss hearing about his computer giving him fits because he gets too cute and fussy over his second love. Ok computer? I miss looking into his beautiful, reassuring eyes whenever I have doubts that my world will be ok. My world was more than ok with him in it. In the past I hated hearing people say, I could go on... and then they don't. I get it. It must be because they don't want to bore you with their sappy romantical feelings. This is one of those times I could ramble on and on to you. Feeling these joyous feelings of growth and exploration seem slightly diminished when I think about not being able to share them with the person on this Earth who matters the most to me. Instead, I will allow my past words of optimism to carry you through until we meet here again.
"No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses
It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.
Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard
Rockefeller said,"sometimes in order to live, parts of you must die". It means a certain amount of pain is to be experienced in the process of shedding what is necessary in order to achieve what is best.
Have you read the book "Tuesdays with Morrie"? Here are some lessons learned from it.
Lesson 1) Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.
Lesson 2) Accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it.
Lesson 3) Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others.
Lesson 4) Do not assume that it is too late to get involved.
Lesson 5) In order to live, we must first learn to die.
We spend a lot of our time busying ourselves with things of little importance. When we realize that our time is limited, we develop a sense of urgency and we start reconciling our lives by making changes. I know this to be true for my life. I started having an awakening and was given a new perspective. Consequently my actions are rooted in more important things, the things of God.
"He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 10:39
Christ tells us that we must follow him and surrender everything—our wills, our bodies, and our lives. Our carnal mind is driven by pride and selfish desires. We must live our lives as living sacrifices, which is a reasonable service! I think this cradles the phrase we often hear, God will never ask us to carry a burden which is too hard for us to bear. If we put our security in physical things, then we will lose our spiritual lives.
"Tuesdays with Morrie" concludes with the author expressing his desire to talk with the person he was twenty years earlier. He would tell himself to ignore the lure of advertised values and to pay attention when loved ones spoke, as if it were the last time he might hear them. None of us can undo what we have already done, but as Morrie said, it is never too late to make a difference.
Below is a song that has had a huge impact on me this year dealing with love. Recently, the first line has rushed over me like a fury of waves as I'm laying on the warm, wet beach. Over and over their watery lyrics rush into my ears, trickle between my very fiber and pound into my heart. I know what it's like to feel the pleasure of growing pains. Yes, there is pleasure in pain. It means shedding parts of me which must die in order to save the whole, most valuable part of my self. There is victory in that. I think the courage to endure has now taken effect. How long can I be strong? Through myself and with my own selfish motivations, not long. There is pleasure in pain.
And while my motivation for missing Adam is selfish at times, I do believe it comes from a place of love. Doesn't that sound contradictory? I don't care how it sounds sometimes, I care that it is said (but I am working on both!). I love him and I miss him. Out of the myriad of things I miss, I picked these two. I miss hearing about his computer giving him fits because he gets too cute and fussy over his second love. Ok computer? I miss looking into his beautiful, reassuring eyes whenever I have doubts that my world will be ok. My world was more than ok with him in it. In the past I hated hearing people say, I could go on... and then they don't. I get it. It must be because they don't want to bore you with their sappy romantical feelings. This is one of those times I could ramble on and on to you. Feeling these joyous feelings of growth and exploration seem slightly diminished when I think about not being able to share them with the person on this Earth who matters the most to me. Instead, I will allow my past words of optimism to carry you through until we meet here again.
"No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses
It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.
Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Said the Butterfly to the Octopus
It all comes full circle. I understand FULLY what it means to be faithful in every aspect of my life.
Now I understand the idea that if you believe in the gospel before an unfortunate event happens (such as divorce), why not always? My explanation was there, I tried something which didn't work, so I thought, now let's try something different. But that's just it, the gospel did work, just not in the way I had expected it to. I had expectations. Geez, could I be setting myself up for heartbreak any better? Conan said, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.” I forgot about that. I forgot that life isn't fair. One of my friends told me, "That's the true test. To see if you can fight off the adversary when you are most vulnerable." I wanted to stay strong but I wanted to give that life up to see if there was something better. It's easy to beat myself up and say, what were you thinking? That can be a scary thing to anyone wanting to be with me in the future- she gave up once, she can give up everything again. I guess that's true with anyone... we never truly know. That's why I rely on the Lord for guidance on where to go and help in seeking my answers. I will keep progressing in a direction that I see is the best path and if I feel it is wrong, then I will stop and seek a different way with Heavenly Father's help.
I am gaining a new perspective now with a friend who is getting divorced. He is not going to church anymore and he doesn't know if he believes in the gospel. My thought is, you believed it before your divorce, why not now? Why do we let hard circumstances shake us?
I am like a Butterfly. I am using my experiences to shape me into something beautiful. Ever think about how much pain a Caterpillar goes through in order to become a Butterfly? Some say it is painless because the Caterpillar realizes the beautiful creature it is becoming and focuses on the beauty of the change itself. It is a transformation of ungainly to glorious.
Adam once asked me what animal I thought he and I both would best embody. I didn't tell him then because I wanted to make sure I had it right, but this was the first animal that came to my mind. The Octopus is a highly intelligent and problem solving invertebrate. "They have numerous strategies for defending themselves against predators, including the expulsion of ink, the use of camouflage and deimatic displays, their ability to jet quickly through the water, and their ability to hide...An octopus's main (primary) defense is to hide, either not to be seen at all, or not to be detected as an octopus." I could always see Adam for who he truly was. We never kept ourselves hidden and I feel that's where a lot of our honesty came from- it felt comfortable to be honest with my best friend.
"Octopuses have keen eyesight." Adam has great perspective. He is a person who can filter through every bit of information and come to the best conclusion. That must be part of his amazing problem solving skills as well. His eternal perspective transcends what I have seen from ordinary people.
Adam is constant. "Their main means of slow travel is crawling, with some swimming. Jet propulsion is their fastest means of locomotion." Adam is continually progressing through life at a steady pace. He receives bursts of growth especially during his spiritual awakenings. These are the times when I have felt my love grow for him the most.
Adam's main love language is touch and it is said that Octopuses have an excellent sense of touch. Never before Adam have I wanted to hold onto someone as much as him and did I feel comfortable enough in doing so. He would never let me go (his suction cups) and I loved every time we touched. Being with Adam made me happy. I hope to meet in that place with him again. I realize that I am awesome at doing damage which seems tricky to fix. I know anything can be solved with the right amount of time, forgiveness and blessing from God. Some processes cannot be rushed.
Have you ever sat in the sun and soaked in the rays? That's how I felt with Adam. I never felt drained or displeased. He was the constant light in my life. I didn't want this to turn into a sappy post about how much I love Adam, but if anything, you can see how much he has done for me and how much I feel like he is a very real part of my life even in his physical absence (which is ripping my soul apart).
I can do hard things. Like the Catepillar, I am going through my metamorphosis and I will emerge something greater than we all thought possible- a beautiful Butterfly.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Accountable
My friend told me I say the word accountable a lot. I believe him. It's because there is one who holds me accountable in ways others don't. There is one who pushes me gently to become the woman I want, the woman God intends for me to become. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice ever because I know with great sacrifice comes great blessings. I feel safe with him. I have never expressed love so fully until him.
Sweet November
Heavy is the burden I carry to not become discouraged because I see a light shining brighter than mine. This is my time to look up and open wide because I have perseverance. My passion to create something beyond myself echos my own soul. And ultimately my passion to create means that I am creating a better me in this process. Down the rabbit hole.
I feel inadequate today. I know why, it's irrational but understandable. I have never met this girl. She looks like me and I look like her. She haunts me. We share similarities- places traveled, ancestry roots and ideas we love. But ways I am lacking, I feel she has already excelled. Knowing her (and me) she doesn't even feel that she is a supreme example of how one can become something so close to perfection. She is beautiful. I don't worry about her. She is me.
I feel inadequate today. I know why, it's irrational but understandable. I have never met this girl. She looks like me and I look like her. She haunts me. We share similarities- places traveled, ancestry roots and ideas we love. But ways I am lacking, I feel she has already excelled. Knowing her (and me) she doesn't even feel that she is a supreme example of how one can become something so close to perfection. She is beautiful. I don't worry about her. She is me.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Removing Adam
My favorite band is Lifehouse. Their lyrics echo a sentiment not of perfect love, but of making love the best you can. We are all powerful creators.
Right now, my life is absent of Adam. If I were in another postion other than my own, I would have a hard time understanding this without all of the facts. Before you make judgements because you feel you have adequate information, know that you most likely do not. Know this, if you trust me or Adam, we are making the best possible decision for us!
I am completely in love with Adam. I have never met a person so whole. He is my best friend and my deepest love. My heart aches not to be able to share my life with him right now. But the mantra that gets me through is, I can do hard things and I believe that. I know Adam is my future husband. I know that in order for me to be a better wife to him, I need to make good use of my time now to learn all that I can. I am going to work hard on me, for me because I deserve the best! I am using this separation as a time to focus my attention on what is truly important to me- going to the Temple! I lost sight of this while I was dating Adam and I am sorry for this! No regrets, because I am going there soon.
While Adam and I are apart, I will not focus on anything negative. I am committing to let my light shine and allow others the safe space to be themselves as well. I am an amazing creator! I can do anything I want because I have been given agency. But always, I will do what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I know with 100% surety, that God is my Father and he loves me very much as his divine daughter. He has big plans for me, so I need to work hard now so I can be ready when the call goes out. I trust him fully because he knows what will make me happy now and later on into the eternities. I am so glad I have taken the time to develop my personal relationship with him. This gospel is the life I want to live, because being LDS in not just a Sunday 3 hour job. Being LDS is more a state of mind and a way of living every day. Reading my scriptures daily is something I look forward to because the pages are filled with wisdom beyond me. I love learning new things this way. Praying on my knees is a priviledge because I have knees to kneel on and I have arms to fold and a head to bow. I am so grateful for my functioning body God has given me; I won't abuse it. I live this way because making good choices in line with God's will gives me the freedom to be happy. Obedience and sacrifice bring great blessings. This is what I believe. No one can change my course. I, along with Heavenly Father, decide my path. And I choose him.
"Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Patience
It is hard to have patience but in the end and most times, it pays off. Patience cultivates attributes which under normal circumstances might not have the same flourish otherwise. I believe in becoming the best version of myself. I am fortunate because I don't have to progress alone. I have built a beautiful support system of people who love me. I love knowing that despite my faults, I still deserve and receive love. Ah, sounds a little cliche to me but that's the romantic, optimistic side of me.
Currently I am working on developing more patience in my life. I am a person who is driven to achieve more than what I have, however, I have realized that acknowledging the time and experiences I have to enjoy now is an important aspect to my learning. I am still young so I have a lot of time to continue learning. My life is about my journey full of adventures. I struggle with determining the best path for me, but I know with my strength, optimism and belief in my Heavenly Father, I can achieve anything because I am here for great things.
Currently I am working on developing more patience in my life. I am a person who is driven to achieve more than what I have, however, I have realized that acknowledging the time and experiences I have to enjoy now is an important aspect to my learning. I am still young so I have a lot of time to continue learning. My life is about my journey full of adventures. I struggle with determining the best path for me, but I know with my strength, optimism and belief in my Heavenly Father, I can achieve anything because I am here for great things.
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